Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
