I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize