Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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