I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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