is your mom at the bar?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
