he thought i was a dude.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
