why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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