His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
