I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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