oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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