Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
