Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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