Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
