im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize