This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
