I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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