I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize