she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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