my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
