dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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