In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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