8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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