fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
