I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize