Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
