Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
