What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
