In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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