Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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