Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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