Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
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