she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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