im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
