Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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