I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
