I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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