and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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