i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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