He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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