FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Drunk is not a location!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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