Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize