life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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