Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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