She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
