she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
