I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize