she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
