Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize