Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
