so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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