There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
