awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
