He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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