Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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