my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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