We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
