So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
