Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
