Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
