hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
