I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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