That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
