i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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