i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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