I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
