i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize